Gender Bender
by Just Mari
Summary: A very bizarre fic about what could have been if Hermione woke up one morning to find... something hanging between her legs. Enjoy, and please read and review!
1. The craziness beginns

**DISCLAIMER:** This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.

**AUTHOR NOTES: **I got the idea for this fic from "Pottersues" rather from "Gender Bender Week". This is not beta-read. Every typo or other mistakes you see are entirely mine. I know this is kind of hysterical. I also know this doesn't have any real plot. Please note that I'm aware of these facts and that they are intended, so please don't flame me over it.

***

„EEEEK!!" Lavender Brown shrieked as she awoke on an otherwise very peaceful Saturday morning and looked over to her roommate's bed. All the other girls in her dormitory woke up, too, their sleep disturbed by Lavender's scream.

"Lavender," Hermione said, "what is it?"

But Lavender was not able to speak properly. She simply pointed a shaky finger at Hermione and stammered, "You- you… you…"

"Yes, Lavender," Hermione said, a hint of irritation creeping into her voice. "Me. Hermione Granger. Do you remember me?"

Parvati Patil, who up to then had been too lazy to lift her head from her pillow, now interjected sleepily, "What's up with you, Lavender?" She looked at Hermione, too, and suddenly she was wide-awake, too. "EEEEK!" she shrieked and pointed at Hermione. "You- you…"

"Oh, no," Hermione groaned. "Not you, too, Parvati. Can't someone just tell me what's up with me? Did I grow horns over night or what?" 

Exasperated she pushed a stray of her hair back. Suddenly she stopped dead. Slowly she looked at her arm a bit more closely. There was hair. A lot of hair. More hair than she usually had on her arms. Was this some kind of stupid practical joke someone had played on her? Quickly she shoved her blanket back and stared at her legs. They were very, **very** hairy, too. She hesitated a moment, then she peered into the neckline of her pyjama carefully.

"EEEEK!!" she shrieked in a very uncharacteristically way. "I have hair on my breasts!" She looked closer, then she shrieked again. "I don't even have breasts anymore!"

Of course, she had never been as curvy as Lavender or some other girls her age, but at least there had been **something**. Now… it was just… plain. Not even a hint of breasts. That was impossible. They couldn't have vanished in a few hours. She felt a hysterical giggle coming up and tried to calm herself down again. _Keep cool, girl_, she told herself and took a few deep breaths. _If it has happened, it obviously has to be possible. You don't have breasts anymore._

Well, she could handle that. After all, there wasn't too much difference to before and she had never really cared for lookings. _And you have a lot of hair on your chest. _She made a face. Ew. Then she forced herself to think logical. There surely was some charm to remove hair from legs, arms and chest. And if there wasn't, she could still use the plain old muggle razor, although that would be very awkward and involved.

She got up and walked over to her wardrobe. She had to check up on that in the library at once. Suddenly she noticed something. There was… something. Between her legs. Something that felt very wrong. A very terrifying and dreadful thought popped up in her mind. But… that couldn't be. It just… couldn't. She had to be sure.

Quickly Hermione put on her slippers and her nightgown and raced out into the corridor, still feeling the whatever-it-was swinging between her legs. When she reached the washroom, she hurried into one cabin and closed the door behind her. Breathing hard, she leaned against the door, searching for support. She needed something to lean on right now, and if it was only a door. 

She took a very deep breath, then she pulled her pyjama trousers down at one go. She held her eyes shut fiercely and held her breath. Then she forced herself to breathe out again and noticed it was very shaky. 

Slowly, very slowly, she opened her eyes again, still staring determinedly at the ceiling. She didn't want to see what she feared to see when she looked down at herself. Carefully she lowered her left hand and placed on her left thigh. It was now or never. Slowly she moved her hand to the right. Her heart threatened to explode in the few seconds it took her to reach her goal and she was all of a shake. Then skin touched skin and she jerked back instinctively- her hand was icy, and the part of her body she had just touched was very… sensitive. But she had definitely felt something where nothing should have been. 

Hermione felt her lower lip tremble and looked down at herself with the last self-control she could muster.

"EEEEEK!!"

~*~

Harry was fast asleep, lying in his bed in the warm and cosy dormitory, when suddenly the door flew wide open and someone stormed in.

"Harry! Ron!" he shouted frantically with a voice that dimly reminded him of someone. 

Sleepily he grabbed his glasses from his bedside table, propped himself up on one arm and looked at the door where a boy stood and looked completely hysterical.

"Whassup?" Ron asked from the bed next to him and looked at the door, too. "Calm down, mate. What's it?"

"Harry! Ron!" the boy screamed again.

"Yeah," Harry said, "We're here. What's up?"

"I- I'm a boy!"

"Yes, I thought so myself," Ron commented in a very dry voice. "Is that all? Because I'd like to sleep a bit more, you know."

Harry wondered why someone should storm into their dormitory and wake them all up, only to tell them he was a boy. 

He looked over to Ron's bed and they both rolled their eyes, just like they did each time Hermione talked about SPEW.

Hang on- _Hermione_…

He looked at the boy a bit more closely, which was kind of difficult because sunlight came from a window behind the boy and he could only see his outline. He pinched his eyes together to see more clearly.

The boy had a mane of very frizzy, very bushy hair, that one was for sure. Other than that, there wasn't anything extraordinary about him.

Now the boy closed the door behind him and put his hands on his hips. Harry raised his eyebrows. He had never seen a boy doing that before- it was a very girly kind of gesture. 

"Harry! Ron!" the boy said again, sounding slightly irritated. 

"What's it with you?" Ron asked, sounding irritated, too. "Who're you, anyway? Don't think I've seen you before."

"Well, you obviously couldn't have," the boy snapped back.

"Oh, and why is that?" Ron asked. 

Harry groaned inwardly. This was just like Hermione and Ron when they were bickering over something a_gain_. 

"Um… Hermione?" he asked cautiously, looking at the boy with raised eyebrows.

"What?" Ron stared at him with a puzzled look on his face. "Harry… you feeling alright?"

"Of course he does, Ron," the other boy said saucily. "Thank God at least one of you has the slightest bit of intelligence."

"You- you can't- … Hermione?" Ron asked weakly.

"Yes, of course it's me. What did you think?"

"Well… you're… a **boy**," Ron pointed out.

The hysteria and panic had vanished from the boy's- Hermione's- features while he had been bickering with Ron. Suddenly it all came back at once. His eyes widened in terror and his lower lip began to tremble slightly. 

"Err- but- that's okay, of course," Ron added quickly, seeing what he had done.

"No, it's not!" Hermione cried out in a shaky voice. 

Seamus, Dean and Neville, who up to then all had politely ignored the conversation, now sat up in their beds, too.

"Hermione… it's not that bad," Neville said quietly.

"Yes it is! And anyway, keep to your own business!" Hermione snapped at him.

Neville looked started and hurt. Hermione inhaled deeply and let her breath out in a long hiss. "I'm sorry, Neville," she said apologetically and tried a smile. "It's just… this is very… awkward for me."

Neville nodded to show he understood. 

"Phew," Ron said, "I'm glad **that** didn't happen to me." He pointed at Hermione and a grin started to spread on his face.

"Ron," Hermione hissed threateningly. "This. Is. Not. Funny. I'm still myself, I'm just… stuck in this body for some reason. I can still hex you if you don't shut up."

Ron immediately stopped grinning.

"Um…" Harry said, "do you want to go to McGonagall, Hermione? Maybe we could… come with you?"

Hermione smiled at him. It was a very funny feeling to see this boy smile at him so thankfully. "Thank you, Harry."

~*~

They stood in front of McGonagall's office. Hermione wore a pair of trousers because she just couldn't have worn her usual skirt with that- _thing _still being there. It would have felt wrong. She looked at Harry and Ron, who were standing on either side of her, then she knocked.

The door was opened and McGonagall looked out. "Yes?" she asked. When she saw Harry and Ron, her expression changed immediately and she looked suddenly worried. "Did something happen, Potter?"

"No," Harry replied. "It's just that Hermione has a problem."

"Then why didn't she come herself?" McGonagall asked with raised eyebrows. "I don't see why I should talk to you about Miss Granger's problems."

"I **am** here, Professor," Hermione said quietly and looked at the ground.

Professor McGonagall paled noticeably and her mouth fell open. "Miss Granger?" she asked disbelievingly.

"Yes." Hermione looked directly at her Head of House and desperately wanted her to understand. "I woke up like that this morning."

"Did you?" McGonagall asked weakly and continued to stare at the boy in front of her. Then she seemed to notice she had lost her self-control in front of students and quickly recollected herself.

"Please come with me, Miss- Mr Granger, we will go to the Headmaster. Potter, Weasley, you may return to your dormitory."

Hermione waved goodbye to her two friends and followed her Transfiguration teacher with slumped shoulders and, still, a thing hanging between her legs and making her feel uncomfortable.

***

To be continued.


	2. The craziness continues

**DISCLAIMER:** This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.

**AUTHOR NOTES: **This not beta-read. Every typo or other mistakes you see are entirely mine. I know this is kind of hysterical. I also know this doesn't have any real plot. Please note that I'm aware of these facts and that they are intended, so please don't flame me over it.

And don't tell me it's impossible to have a disease no one has heard about before- I was in hospital in January because I had gills and they filled themselves with pus.

***

Hermione sat in a comfortable chair in the Headmaster's office and felt Dumbledore's look on her. She didn't feel good at all. The silence in the office gave her the feeling that it all was her fault.

Dumbledore rested his chin in his hands and looked at her thoughtfully. Hermione felt his look wander up and down on her. She continued to stare at the floor and had her fists clenched in her lap. What was going to happen? Would she have to move into the boys' dormitory or could she stay with the girls?

"Now, Miss- or Mr- Granger, please tell me once more what happened to you," Dumbledore said finally. Her head jerked up because she thought she had heard a smile in his voice. She felt fury rising up in her. Was he making fun of her? It was not at all funny! She was imprisoned in this body and he dared to smile about her situation? 

Angrily she furrowed her brows, but when she looked at him he wore a serious expression, mingled with some sort of sympathy and she calmed down again. 

"Well," she began, "I noticed it because Lavender started to shriek and pointed at me and was kind of hysterical. Parvati joined in and I still didn't understand what was up with them, until I looked at my arms. And," she held her arms out to him so he could see the hair on them, "there was a lot of hair on them. Normally I don't have so many hair on my arms. Or on any other part of my body, to be exact. At first I thought someone played a practical joke on me, but then I looked at my legs, and they were- are- very hairy, too. And then," she gulped, "I looked into the neckline of my pyjamas, and… well… you know…there was hair, too. And…" she trailed off. It was kind of humiliating for her to sit in front of her Headmaster and tell him that her breasts had vanished. She just couldn't bring herself to do it and felt heat rising up in her cheeks.

"You know what I mean," she murmured to the carpet. She could have sworn Dumbledore had this twinkle of his in his eyes again, and she didn't want to look at him right now, so she continued to stare at the carpet.

"I have heard of this before, Dumbledore," one of the portraits suddenly said. 

"Do you know what it is?" Hermione asked and looked up, searching for the portrait that had spoken. A small, plump man in a lime green robe was pacing in his portrait and seemed to think hard, so she assumed it was him who had spoken.

"Please, Fortescue, if you know anything about this… unusual situation, tell us about it," Dumbledore said, "so we can help Mr Granger here as soon as possible."

"I think," the bald-headed wizard said thoughtfully, "we had a case of this, too, once. If I am not mistaken, it is a very rare disease called _Genderum Benderosa_."

"Headmaster," McGonagall said quietly, "would you like me to ask Madam Pomfrey for advice?"

"Yes," Dumbledore said slowly, "yes, Minerva, that's a good idea. Poppy will surely know something about it." He nodded and McGonagall went out of the room again, leaving Hermione alone with the Headmaster.

"Thank you, Fortescue," Dumbledore said to the portrait and turned back to look at the young boy sitting in front of him. "Now, while we have to wait for further information, there are a few matters at hand we have to clear."

He rubbed his hands together and continued cheerfully, "First of all, if we can't cure you from the disease immediately, you will have to stay in this body for some more time, if you want to or not."

Hermione made a face. "I suppose so, yes."

"Now, the question at hand is, will you be able to stay in your old dormitory? I'm afraid I have to say that is not the case. As good as it would be for you, parents would surely object if their daughters were to live in one room with a boy, even if he is a girl inside. 

"I fear you will have to move in to the sixth year boys' dormitory."

She stared at him. "But, Professor Dumbledore, I can't do that! I- I'm a _girl_, after all! In _Hogwarts: A History_ it says that the dormitories are enchanted so only people of the same sex can sleep in one dormitory!"

Dumbledore smiled and nodded. "I am aware of this fact, Miss Granger. However, your body definitely is male, at least at the moment. And-" he raised his voice slightly as she tried to interrupt him, "it doesn't matter if you're female inside. You have a male body, and that's all that counts."

He traced his lips with one long finger thoughtfully and added, "Of course, you will also have to change your name."

"Change my name? But- why can't I just keep it?"

"Miss Granger," Dumbledore said calmly, "please calm down again. Obviously it is awkward to call a boy a female name. No one would feel comfortable with that- except you, probably. Just imagine what kind of chaos it would cause would you insist on keeping your name!"

Hermione sighed, defeated. "But-" she tried to protest weakly one last time, but one look from Dumbledore's blue eyes silenced her. 

"I like James," she said. "But of course I can't call myself that. Harry would be very confused if he had to call me by his father's name." She fell silent again, thinking hard. 

"What would you suggest?" she asked eventually, looking up at the Headmaster. 

"Oh, I'd have quite a lot of suggestions," he smiled, "but probably neither would please you. And anyway, this is your decision, not mine."

"Simon, maybe," Hermione said. "I always rather liked that name. Or Jonathan. Or… maybe I should choose something more historic, like- Godric, maybe. No, not Godric." 

She bit her lip, her head full of names. "Etienne," she suddenly said and beamed at Dumbledore. "Yes, that's it. Etienne."

If Dumbledore had any doubts about her choice, he didn't voice them, and he didn't show any sign of neither approve nor disapprove.

"Fine," he said, clapped his hands and stood up, "Mr Etienne Granger. It's a pleasure to meet you."

Hermione felt unsure of herself. Did he make fun of her? Luckily at this moment Professor McGonagall came back into the room, panting slightly.

"I talked to Madam Pomfrey, Headmaster," she said. "She says there have been cases of _Genderum Benderosa_ before and it **is** curable, that's for sure."

Hermione let out her breath in a deep sigh. "Oh, thank God," she muttered.

"However," McGonagall continued, "it will take quite some time to do so. You will have to go to the Hospital Wing every day and let Madam Pomfrey look at you, Miss- Mr Granger."

Hermione nodded in agreement. She'd do nearly everything as long as this _thing_ between her legs and the hair on her chest would vanish again.

Dumbledore smiled cheerfully. "Minerva," he said, "I am pleased to inform you Mr Granger has chosen a new name for himself. He is called from now on Etienne Granger."

"Pleasure," McGonagall said curtly and didn't look too sure of herself either. "Well then, … Etienne, please come with me back to your dormitory."

"Good bye, Headmaster," Hermione- or rather Etienne- said politely and went out behind her teacher.

~*~

"Etienne," said Ron and stared at her in disbelief. "**Etienne**."

"Yes, _Etienne_," she snapped. "So what?"

"Well, you know… it sounds kind of… um… gay?"

"Oh, for heaven's sake, Ron," Etienne said. "I am a **girl**. I am not gay. Okay?"

"Um, well," Harry said, "how is it? Do you still like guys?"

"Of course I do," she said, outraged.

"Then everyone will consider you gay at the moment. Either you accept that or you turn lesbian," Harry concluded.

"You can't _turn_ lesbian, Harry," Etienne lectured. "Either you are or you aren't. This is not something you can change."

"Sorry, Herm- Etienne," he said, raising his hands in defence. "I didn't know that."

"Hell, this is _weird_!" Ron exclaimed. "I mean, I look at you and I see a guy, but you're still Hermione, but at the same time you're also _Etienne_…" He trailed off and started to cough very hard.

Etienne had the distinct feeling that he was trying- very poorly- to hide his laughter. 

"Oh, shut up, Ron," she said. "Anyway," she continued, "McGonagall should be here in a moment, we'd better get going."

"McGonagall?" Harry asked. "Why?"

"Because I obviously can't sleep in the girls' dormitory anymore," Etienne said dryly and pointed at herself with raised eyebrows. "Therefore, I will move in to the boys, that is to say, you."

"What?" The two boys looked equally shocked.

"In _our_ dormitory?" Harry burst out.

"Yes, Harry," Etienne said, starting to lose patience with the two of them.

"But- but you can't!" Ron exclaimed, horror-struck.

"Oh, and why is that?" she asked back, barely suppressing her annoyance anymore.

"Because, well- we… _change_ in our dormitory! You'd see us- _naked_!"

Etienne groaned and threw her hands up in exasperation. "So _what_?"

"**So what?**" Ron repeated incredulously and stared at her. "How can you ask that?" Etienne noticed a blush creeping up from his collar.

"Do you have a problem with me seeing you naked?" Etienne asked back, holding back a grin as she watched the blush creep further up.

"Yes!" both exclaimed at the same time.

"Are you that ugly?" Etienne asked and batted her eyelashes. "Or… _small_?"

"Hermione!" said Harry, looking shocked. "Etienne, I mean," he quickly added and blushed a little, too.

"Don't do that, Herm- Etienne," Ron said and made a face.

"What? That?" she asked and batted her eyelashes again.

"Yes, **that**," Ron declared loudly. "This is so _weird_! I don't want to flirt with a guy!"

"Then don't do it," Etienne said dryly.

"Potter, Weasley, Granger, stop arguing," McGonagall's voice came behind them from the portrait hole. "Are you packed, Mr Granger?" 

Etienne nodded and pointed at her trunk that was standing next to her. 

"Then please follow me," their professor said and marched up the stairs to the fifth year boys' dormitory.

***

To be continued.


End file.
